The conundrum of esoterica 

Life is a conundrum of esoterica. Cool shit eh? First I heard this nugget of  reflection of my self was while watching Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events. A conundrum three supposedly orphaned children face while a wicked uncle of theirs tries to steal all their willed fortune by crook, there ain’t no hook involved. Violet Baudelaire, eldest of the lot reflects upon “life is a conundrum of esoterica” spoken unknowingly by their  surrogate uncle (a different one, not the one trying to kill, maim or dispose of them) who planned to take them around the world, treated them well and after his death the children were left to fend for themselves with little but the conundrum of esoterica.

Let’s talk about the esoterica in our lives. The meaningless things that you and I don’t really bother about. The things we don’t understand yet we don’t try either. Esoterica is the collection of things that is understood by a select group of people. A select group of people who sit for years and years altogether to understand the things you may believe aren’t very worthy of your time or even attention. For example, astrology. I don’t get it either. But for people who study it in their wide detail may seek to gain immense knowledge out of it. Astrology is not only zodiac signs and the planets in motion. From what I found out before I got bored reading up on it, is that astrology combines your body’s signals, placement of planets, movement of planets, and it’s not just gravitational pull (however minimal it may be) that the planets and stars exert on us, there’s quite another pull or push upon us constantly. A constant state of contraction and expansion but beyond this I don’t know.

The only esoterica I know fairly well is my own self. Yes, you’re again your own esoterica. Your whole being is a universal system and so you can study it with some professional authority on the subject. The more you and I reflect on the machinery working inside, the more our Selves will seem like a beautiful and tender surrender (subtle Steve Vai reference). We go through so much bullshit everyday. The world bogs you down, people talk about you behind your back, your parents give you a hard time, your career isn’t going anywhere and blah and blah and blah! So what next? You complain. You complain to anyone even if all they said to you was a Hi. You crib about the sorry state of affairs in your life that’s implicitly going into a downward spiral. Well, the spiral is taking shape only because you provided the direction and momentum to the negativity in life to take over. We don’t ever feel invincible with what is in us. We crave more. We crave more human relationships and warmth when we don’t provide ourselves the warmth. We crave someone to understand us when we don’t bother listening to others. We want people’s attention and cannot even begin to give our 5% while just conversing with them. The sorry state of affairs is just our own doing, no one else’s. It’s your own shit so own up to it. Making a huge deal about how you are all your flaws isn’t anything to brag about. You are not your flaws but the lessons you learn in smoothing them out. I mean how many of us go through each day with a constant chant in our heads, “what the hell is even going on?” It’s all there is. The lack of consciousness is so rampant that to even believe someone might actually love you is a weird state for your being. You believe so much in your flaws that you begin to ignore the things right within. And when someone confronts you with the shit you pull off, you shrug your shoulders and go “well that’s just who I am”.  No. That’s what you’ve become because you stopped giving a shit about yourself. People pleasing, seeming cool, getting attention is what gets us going. 

Honestly speaking, (if my honesty doesn’t get you going, I’m gonna use ‘scientifically speaking’, though it’s a massive web of lies that people can build) the likes and comments we get on our posts, pictures or whatever gets us off. It basically massages our egos in the same way that hard core drugs do. So, you may not be smoking crack or shooting up heroin, all you’re doing is rampantly posting each detail about your life trying to get people’s attention. I do not condone the action of sharing your life with the world but why don’t you just share it with your immediate friends, your lover or even parents and actually not crib about how anti social you are. You cannot be anti social because you already share everything about your life! Such a dilemma to be in. 

Our lives are woven around people. It becomes such an intricate web that stepping away from our people circles’ seems like the hardest thing to do. But each and everyone of us needs a detox. A detox from bad relationships, detox from bad food and a detox from everything that doesn’t serve you well. Esoterically, you are your own saviour. No one is ever coming your way to help you out. People will be opinionated about everything in your life but that’s just it. They don’t care how you reach a goal, they only care to see you reach it. You may fuck your way through bosses or actually grind yourself in the process. No one cares about the journey. So, worry not about the people, worry not about the attention, worry only about the happiness you gain out of every action you take. 

In one of my previous posts, I mentioned about the lack of searching our own selves. It is the biggest need of the hour. All the horror you see around the world is what is really happening in your microcosm. Your being is in severe unrest, and your being is projecting the unrest into the world. We never took care of our stability and now the world we are in is disastrously unstable. The moment we start taking charge of even the littlest events in life, we create an aura of attraction. Truly, the only eternal fact is that you are your own. Lovers, friends and family is the added bonus. To have a partner with whom your world becomes a much better place to wake up too is the greatest deal ever (best deal in the history of deals). To have a partner around whom your layers of guard and inhibitions drop off like reptilian skin slowly is the greatest journey of self discovery. Ironic isn’t it? Needing another person to boost your journey inwards. Needing another person to help you look at yourself truly. 

The conundrum of life arises when we are false to our selves. We are a bunch of superficial assholes. We are on our best behaviour around strangers and at our worst around family. It’s so hard to live a life of lies. May not be massive lies but each and every day we are all pushing forward to making lies part of our inner biology. Our working, of each human being, is a completely different machinery. Each of us is so different, apart from the anatomy nothing matches. You may breathe 7 times in one minute and I may do 20, we just don’t know. But we all breathe. That’s the whole point of it. A collective consciousness to understand the individual. 

I am my own expert in the study of my esoterica. 



  1. What you write, dear author, shows the depth of your consciousness, your awareness. It shows you are someone who has been through enough experiences to realise even though things, situations and most of all, the human species as a whole seem to fit properly and what seems like a fully functional society, is actually falling apart at each passing second.


    To answer that, you’ve hit the right spots. It’s what we ignore which usually turns around to haunt us. We, as humans, have a tendency to learn this the harder way. We ignore. Oh we ignore so much. To such an extreme that we figure out “shit! I think there’s something wrong not with the society, but with myself!” And then we know how he spiral grows!

    You talked about “a select group of people who sit for years and years altogether to understand the things you may believe aren’t very worthy of your time or even attention.” But isn’t this we do everyday? Ridicule knowledge provided by our ancient forefathers? Look at how we disrespect our own ancestors! What are Vedas? All the knowledge provided in it was given by rishis, in “as is” format as it came to them in their heightened states of consciousness, when they sat together and meditated for years and years!

    The constant state of expansions and contractions that you referred to, is nothing but the ‘Kundalini’. Or the primordial vibration. For any thing to be ‘alive’, there has to be motion. Silence is broken by sound, which is nothing but vibration. Everything is vibration. These vibrations have a maximum point- expansion, and a minimum point- contraction. And if we connect ourselves at the frequency of the universe, we will be ‘in tune’ with everything. That’s when everything good begins to happen. Good music needs instruments to be in tune. We are merely instruments, vessels of consciousness too. Hence, the Kundalini!

    I liked it extremely how you’ve pointed out the addiction and obsession for likes and comments etc. It actually releases feel good hormones, just like drugs! And then look at the hypocrisy of the society!
    Instagram addiction, coffee/tea addiction, etc is all acceptable. Same with alcohol! Everything to keep one away from being silent, being alone, facing those billion voices in our heads which we have been ignoring for years!

    Same goes for how you’ve brought out the hypocrisy in behaving at our best with strangers and treating family, partners in a pathetic way. We as humans usually ignore what we have and always run for shinier things outside.

    Truth is, no matter how close you are with your family, how loving and caring your partner is, how nice your friends or even the world around you is, your life is yours alone. Everyone can hold your hand, make the journey comfortable, yet, your walk is yours alone. One eventually has to face being alone, face loneliness. Yet most of us fear this part the most. How long will it be before one realises it has always been a futile attempt to ignore what needs our attention? It doesn’t matter if you’re a prince or a pauper, Trump or an angry old grump, when you go to bed to sleep and close your eyes, every single person in the world faces their thoughts, faces their voices in their heads which constantly tries to take your awareness from the silence. It is then the strength of the character is tested.

    One must learn to embrace the silences whenever they get. It isn’t a groundbreaking achievement of me to say this, most of us already know this. Yet the moment we find silence, we distract ourselves to not feel the fear the silence initially brings.

    But wait. You already know all this!

    (I wish I could meet you and talk about all this over a cup of coffee!)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. We can drink up a whole coffee and still may not be able to finish talking about this. And you were right in saying that we are complete hypocrites when it comes to choosing what we want or don’t want to manifest in our lives. We all know everything but seemingly fail to do anything about it.


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