Sense of wonderment crept into you the moment you read my post title, didn’t it? The last line of the end of this will lead you to a meaning of what I need you to know today. The sense of life and curiosity to live it with is what I need you to realise today. And if it doesn’t suffice with one WordPress post, I’ll write more, I promise, but learn. You shall today, be getting one hell of a monologue on passion. Not the passion with which you jump your beloved everytime you see him or her, neither the kind with which you paint. We shall talk, or rather i shall write about the passion of doing the most menial things and when you look back, you will have realised what and how much it stands for.
Have you just woken up one day and thought of how badly you want to do one thing and just leapt at it? Robbie was my thing (person). This is not a sexual innuendo okay? I’ll say it and believe me, I’ve not been a really good partner to most of my previous boyfriends. I’ve taken people for granted hinged on “feminism”, believed everyone would be nice, understanding and let me go on about my business. I’ve shown in the past what a goody two shoes I’ve been but inside I’ve had the most rotten things scheming up in me. My space and loneliness in relationships took precedence over what the other person might need from me. Everyone needs their partners to be there. However they can. But I have always been unavailable, emotionally, mentally and physically. I’ve been under the notion that people work for me and that’s been my one motto. One day I had this person hit me up over a social network wanting to talk. I did talk but because of my unavailability, and my amazing ability to string people along in the past, I kept forgetting to reply back to this one person. He would wait for me. I’d make him wait too and when I’d reply after eons he wouldn’t take offence but just take off from where I disappeared. We hit it off with our talks about spirituality and goodness within humanity and I guess I gave him a false idea about my self. This false self was what I believed in too. While I was talking to him, I was talking to so many men you wouldn’t believe that to be humanly possible but there I was. Honestly and truly fucked up. The goodness of humanity lies in forgiveness. This person was my Robbie. And I wasn’t doing much justice to his beautiful soul. This man who was getting to know me slowly didn’t judge me when I opened about my self. I’ve loathed myself enough to fuck up at the highest levels and here he was just asking me to love myself and find my happiness. Finally, when we entered into a relationship, it was a rough start. There have been so many things about my own self I refused to change. Most of my self was an irresponsible idiot. I was irresponsible about who I shared my aura with, who I shared my drink and who I shared my number with. And with that, came the realisation that when you’re falling desperately in love with one man, the one you’ve always searched for in others and drugs and alcohol, you need to fall in a massive ditch. This was my very own falling in love. We have shared our joys and sadness and been downright ugly, but I see him. Because I see him, I crawled out of that ditch. It was a ditch that was also filling up with mud, fast. This man here is the light at the end of the tunnel that I pushed myself in. We talk like 14 yr olds and fight like WWE fighters (just not physically) but at the end of the day he’s always the one I can come home to hoping for a good cuddle and that’s all I’ve really ever needed. None of you reading this would ever know who he is but he is me. The mirror of my self and a chiral compound of my being (sorry for that shitty organic chemistry joke haha). Through him I’ve now mustered enough courage to look at myself in the eye and face my demons. And oh, I had all of Satan’s paradise inside me.
I still have that shit part of me inside me otherwise where else will the muck go? It’s a dormant little volcano tucked away deep beneath my cracked surface. Robbie loves me despite the blackness in my heart (sometimes). I say that he loves me because it’s the one thing we can both be sure of with each other. That’s not taking each other for granted, that’s all those countless hours spent talking and raking up expensive phone calls (national and international) coming to a standard where we can say we know each other. In the case I present him with a pink shirt I know for sure he won’t talk to me for 10mins and give me the silent treatment so that I end up knowing it was a shit decision buying him a pink shirt. In the case I get presented with a make up case, he knows I won’t settle for anything less than kitchen gadget and he would get the exact same silent treatment from me.
Again, it’s not about my relationship with him. It’s one of my flaws, I get distracted way too much. This is my story of how this man in my life, came as the very source of life itself. Robbie is a simple guy, no frills and annoyances. From the time I’ve known him, I’ve thoroughly respected the things he stood for. As for me, I was such a confused child that I didn’t believe in boundaries, ethics or principles. I’ve lived without principles for a long time that now it was time to forge a new me. This realisation was brought about by him. I have hated change and especially when it comes to my own self, I’ve loathed it. I’ve fought with him, screamed at him that I was against this but Robbie is Robbie and is as hard as a rock. He didn’t budge so I had to. Slowly, he held my hand and made me look at him, my own mirror. I’ve always believed myself to be a free bird and I forever will be. Earlier I was free of responsibility and wasn’t brave enough to face their consequences, now I know how important freedom with a choice of responsibility is. It’s a truly beautiful thing. To not give a shit about anything but your own happiness. Your happiness will always come about with making your closest people happy. It could be your dog, lover, children, neighbors. Any and everyone can be made happy if you know the value of your choices. I’ve never had a satisfaction with how my life was turning out to be but with him to share it with, the contentment is contagious. I’m truly satisfied and I wouldn’t want any more than what I have.
Now this was only version 1.0. There have been massive upgrades to yours truly. Hardware and software. I’ve been a no frills with food kind of girl. Been always happy with my bacon cheeseburger and a side of milkshake. All of you who know me well know about my eating habits. Now here’s a surprise. This new me is a vegetarian. Or trying my hardest to be. Why, you ask? Because Robbie and I have gone down a path we are never straying from and the first milestone is compassion for every living being. Animals are dying by millions just to feed our insatiable appetites for bacon, butter chicken and cheese. (Do watch Lucent, Forks over Knives and Earthlings when you have time). We wear fur and leather, go have fun at circuses and use make up tested on animals. It’s a very mean world we are living in and I will certainly not have my children go through living in a poisoned planet. Here, both of us are working hardest for our collective future. Now I see meat I start counting down either the number of animals that died for one dish or the number of people who start making fun of vegans or vegetarians. I’ve been guilty of mocking their beliefs too but when I got there the amount of soul searching needed was a huge task. In times like these I’m so grateful to have a partner who refuses to let me doubt myself like its a crime. Coming from an Assamese family, it has been “tradition” to eat meat and when I declared I don’t want to anymore, I was now the black sheep who didn’t conform to traditions.
Starting to love someone may seem like a bed of roses, staying in love each and everyday after you wake up is a bigger task. Robbie makes it a breeze by just being the best friend I’ve never had. Throughout this journey of finding my self, I’ve lost friends. Ones I’ve known for years. It has seemed like a loss I’d not have been able to cope with but today I’m very glad to only share my life space with the people I care about. I’ve actually never needed more.
Being with him, I’ve found the principles I’ve lost along the way, the truths we refuse to acknowledge and the child who never wanted to grow up. I’ve found the core of my beliefs, my passions and the burning need to save our planet. I believe in humanity that we aren’t as wicked as we make each other seem to be and all we actually need is to love.
I want the upcoming generation to be proud of our generation and for our children to look at us and believe in having the courage to fight for beings that don’t have a voice. I’m very grounded when I say that I’m proud of my own self, that I’ll always be a work in progress and the motivation to work on my self, my actions and thoughts all go to this wonderful man who goes by the name of Robbie. He’s saved me in every way a girl can be saved (subtle Titanic line). I’ve learnt from him things that I’ve not learnt from my parents yet and honestly speaking, he is an actual dream come true.
I am proud of the person he is, the thoughts he has and his treatment of others. He’s the one who asks me to wash my hands before eating dinner since he knows I play with stray dogs. He’s the person who is always the wall and the bed I can fall on incase everything in the world starts failing, and he is the person that I want my parents to be proud of because they know he has made a better person of their daughter.
I remember that in the very beginning of this post I told you I’d reveal the meaning of the title. To sum it up in simple words, it means the reason for being. To find your ikigai, you need to do some deep soul searching. The discovery of your ikigai will find you the satisfaction and meaning of life. Shred away your false core to find a new growing core that lies parallel to the truth of your being. I found my ikigai and he’s a human.