After so long, I’ve thought of a title first and text later. After so long, I’ve made a title this long because I couldn’t find a word in any language that could summarize my post title. After so long, have I just told myself to fuck everything else and let myself breathe. I needed to breathe in and out to bring myself to a calmer place to live this life where all we have done is nitpicked each other. When I couldn’t take a lot of things anymore, I broke down. It has become a yearly thing now, almost around the time September creeps in and all hell breaks loose for me. I have a chronic anxiety problem. Why?, you ask. Well because knowing I need to just breathe, I let my thoughts breathe for me. Many months ago, while I was fast asleep, I was woken up in the middle of the night by Robbie, flustered and scared because I was breathing way too fast. He asked me to come close and breathe without thoughts in my head. I tried, I failed and passed out in his arms. He makes sure he reminds me as much as he can, to breathe. I need to, you need to and we all need to. Fast forward to today, where I’m lying down on the four poster bed in my ancestral home, so peaceful, that I’ve now managed to pen down this post. I highly attribute my present state of being in my hometown (Guwahati), to my maternal grandmother. She is a being of love. So much so that Robbie being the most important aspect of my own being, has had to wait around every night (a little) for me to complete my chatting with Nani. I’ve had a week and gotten down to doing everything traditionally. I learned how to make pickles, rolled out round rotis, taught Nani how to bake, we’ve talked about stories of our ancestors, of how Assam was a great state (apparently) and a lot of other things. We talked spirituality and I explained to her to her how the 7 realms work. I wish to her someday in the highest realm. Because she will make it with granddad to the 7th realm, it’s me who might start lower. I’ve fought with my parents to let me come down to Guwahati with the grandparents. See, in India things work with permissions. If you’re 45 and unmarried, you gotta take permission, bro. Case in point being, unmarried. Anyhow, not playing word games again.
What have we really put limits upon? Things like love and affection are only limited to how much you get back right? Look at your grandparents; even if your parents are shit and don’t really care about their own parents, the grandparents know how to love, unconditionally. What is this unconditionality? We are so caged within the prospect of having unconditionality that we forget our lives exist outside. The love grandparents hold is just so much care and affection for you that just being around them, you begin to wonder about the sorry state you life becomes. You sit alone at night and wonder if that girl who showered you with love, in her own way, and who you let go for a hotter body who made your life hell, was ever correct. Or you sit and wonder if that guy who brought up kids and family too soon for you, was sappy and annoying. I’m sure, in your head, these people were never right for you. But looking into the flaws of every being you ever encounter and forgetting to look unto yourself, life will never make any sense to you. And then you become so connected and attached to your heartbroken state or sadness, that it becomes the drug for your creativity. I’m sure you very well know what I’m talking about. Songs and poems and books about failed relationships and unrequited love. Heck, even the Twilight series was written with “love” in mind but it turned out to be puke-worthy. You want life to make sense, look at your face in the mirror. The person you see staring back at you is the person you’ve made and while you’re wondering what you’ve made, the voice in your head cribbing about certain things is the real you. The one that needs release. All the selfies in the world, all the beautiful clothes, cars and money will never be able to shift focus from what you will be. Find your own peace, when you love what you see in the mirror, zits and double chins included, is when you’ve found yourself. Love the fuck out of that person. If you won’t, who will? The day you find yourself, all the bullshit in the world will cease to matter. You won’t care if someone served vodka when you were promised a beer, you won’t bother if you ate Thai instead of the burgers you were dreaming about, you won’t care if someone loved you or not because you love yourself enough to distance your self from bullshit.
Love is really not about how many things can be counted as each person having done something. This is our limit. Or rather, the limit of our ego. Love surely isn’t about who apologised when, or about how many times you say “I love you”, before you hang up (guilty). When you see love from the lenses of ego, the joint that you smoked or the moments you spent with your partner, all cease to exist, all of it becomes null and void. Bit by bit your egoistic love gnaws away at your core and all you will be left with is the skeleton of a relationship or the dying embers of something you believed to be love but wasn’t anything albeit a competition between you two. And I’m not just talking about romantic love, it’s the love within families, friends. So many relationships sour out because people in them distance themselves when their cores start getting exposed. You may be a really selfish person, when you look into the mirror you see someone as kind, compassionate, doing good things for the society. But when you find a person who mirrors you and tells you what you really are, you get so uncomfortable that severing all ties with your partner is way easier than working on your own self. And you will never start work upon your self till you are faced with an ultimatum.
You are, as an individual, absolutely limitless. You don’t need anyone to tell you what you can or cannot achieve. When you let your mind take control of your own free spirited heart, things start being put into cages. Everything you see will be with caged vision. Even if you want to sit by a stream and while away your life, that is all of your limitless power going into being a living statue next to the stream. Don’t put the limit onto your own self and certainly not when you know you’re limitless.
(Don’t watch that movie starring Bradley Cooper)