Of all the nights I spent crying into my pillow, I saw sunshine in a gap amongst the clouds. Every day that my insides tore me apart, I grew happy knowing you came away for me. I don’t see you around me, I haven’t seen you for days, but your existence makes me happy and keeps me sane. The pain of letting go and staying stuck in between, led me to believe I was born to stay in it. But no, you were in the distance, smiling at me, waving your hands at the amazement of seeing me and I came running. Running to your comfortable smell and touch, to see you in broad daylight, and knowing you were beside me.
You called to say you love me, but I don’t love you. I may never but you’re right here. So why am I not looking at you? I look at everything around me and I want to say that I love them. When you’re staring all the way inside me, I turn my gaze away, knowing that you know. You know that I want to fall in love but I don’t. You know I keep myself busy so I stop myself from thinking about you. But I cannot. I think about how my fingers would feel entwined around your ears while we are lying on the bed together. I think about how holding your hair would feel like when we make love, I think about you smiling at me when we turn to each other. I imagine waking up to you, kiss you and fall back asleep in your arms. But do we or will we ever have what it takes? I know I complicate things which are what makes my life easy. Here I am thinking about you and only you while I’m here talking to someone else undeserving of my short attention span. Here I am waiting for you, to see you and hear you and talk about the endless things that have connected us in the past. The small things that others may feel borders on retardation but I love being clumsy and want to be a fool for you. I look forward to the sunrise everyday knowing it makes me closer to seeing you again by a day. I think about my phone blinking with a text from you every morning even if you sent it at night while I was dozing off dreaming about you.
Your love is simple and mine is complex. Your love is child-like and mine is adult. We fit the puzzle like the two blocks which never fit anywhere else. I love to listen to you call me the things that you do. The secrets we share amongst ourselves and believing that nobody will ever be part of this imperfect perfection.
It is the small things that you do. You think I have never noticed but I always did. It was the way you looked at me when I opened my eyes in the morning, the way you touched my face to just believe that I was right beside you, the way you kissed me slowly while you contemplated in your head if this was right, the way you touched my fingers thinking you might injure me, the way you slowly fell in love with me while you ate the breakfast we made, the way you kissed my forehead making me feel secure and safe in your cozy arms and the way I was mesmerized while you played with my hair. These small little beautiful moments are why I tie my hair the way I do, I kiss the way I do and I look at you the way you deserve.
I’m still thinking about you knowing that you are smiling half a country away thinking about me. Is this what makes us, us? I will never know the answers unless I fall into the wonderful little abyss that is named after you.