3 AM

I am the 3am girl. The kind that wakes up in the search of things that matter. The falling rain doesn’t and neither does the smell of it. The one who cannot sleep till things are suspended in air and just about to land in their perfect places. That calms me down, knowing that at that moment everything is as perfect as it could ever be and then my life could get turned tomorrow. The one girl who will listen to everyone speak and be there, but in pitch black silence, I will sit and complain about the things that matter. To me.
I am the 3am girl because life starts at 3am. When the whole world is worried about ghosts and demons, I have to fight my own. I don’t wake up soaking with sweat and screaming at 3am, I wake up to my dreams of him scared that he won’t be around. I write hoping to make him understand how things would never fall in place around him and everything will remain in their state of constant suspended animation. My dreams have turned me into the 3am girl. The girl who waits.
I see him around, the presence of him that kills me from inside. the toxic love that we shared like shards of glass digging deep into our skin, ripping us, bleeding us and coming back to fix us. Him whispering my pet name into my ears, sounded like a fork against a chalkboard. Yet he was what my dreams were made of. His face glistening in the hot shower, his hands calling for me, his lopsided, wicked smile against our song playing from the distance. Slow dancing in a burning room, John Mayer. I saw the flames coming in from every corner. My cigarettes burn out slowly like the patience I held for him. The slow life of us, ebbing away slowly like lava from a dying volcano. Neither hot nor cold.
He left. As suddenly as he came. This time I became the one in suspended animation. The ground right there, but I couldn’t touch, the sky right there and I couldn’t reach. I was left like the ashes of a burning paper, scattered all over the road, trampled over by everyone.
And then this better someone entered. Through a phonecall that lasted my whole night. Knowing how stupid things could be, and being the scared bird in a cage, I lived to see my wings grow. They came out to break the shackles of my mind, to make me see the very image of me, in front of me. The love never came back, my heart left the way it was. I grew a new one. To love the one who mattered. Each moment of everyday. To learn happiness and to find my own.
I saw him the other day, he looked miserable. I wanted to stroke his hair one last time and tell him comforting stories. There wasn’t any truth in what I was thinking of. It was only human nature.
I walked away and since then I fell in love, stayed in love and saw my happiness come traipsing to me, hold me close and kiss me.


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