In the grand scheme of things…

Is it enough? When I scream out your name during those times. Times of thunderstorms, rain falling so hard on our window, the wind whistling and sounding demonic, the lights gone out and it is only us in the cold, lonely house. It’s a house. A house we tried so hard to change into our home but now it’s only the bricks holding it together. Was it enough? Was it enough for you when I sat up those nights to take care of your frail body, never letting your hand slip out of mine? Was it enough when each morning with you was a blessing, when I knew we could have sat up and watched the sun rise? Was it enough that I loved you?

Through thick, thin and distance, I wanted to love you. Love you so much like a mother loves her child, never to separate the child from her. Love you like gamblers love their money, promising to stick forever. Love you like the last man on the planet, in my world. I would gladly be a slave for you, to see you smile, to hold your hand and to sleep on your lap. To step in front of your car and talk through our eyes, never blinking or breaking contact. I will keep contact till my eyes run dry.

It’s my birthday tomorrow and I don’t want anyone to know.  But I will spend it looking at the clock strike 12 hoping my birthday gift is you. Every image of you walking around, sitting, taking a shower is imprinted so finely, nothing can blur it out. It’s a sad thing because you’re gone and you’re never returning. You are halfway into the distance and all I can do is scream for you. Scream and hope you hear. Hope you turn around someday to see what it was that you had in your hands.

If ever you feel sad or hopeless, I hope you remember me. Remember that I stood next to you, waiting to go against the world with you. And as soon as it had started, it was gone. All of the majestic plans, all of the beautiful schemes, burnt to the ground. From our flaming egos, we burnt our love down. We burnt our dreams down and our souls parted. Was it enough for revenge to taste sweet? Nowhere in our entangled lives, nowhere in these beautiful have we laid next to each other and just given our baby the love it required. It called out to us, it wanted the attention, it made noise. You and I, we just looked away into the distance trying to win battles with each other. I wish we looked at the sunrise and held our gazes. I wish we danced the night away just so close to each other. I wish we drank to our love and to the future of our magnificent tales of taking over the world. And I wish we had each other to make the other wishes.

In the extravagance of our plans, we forgot to add each other. You moved away so slowly and stealthily. Away from me. My love that was only for you, never to be shared with another.  But the pace was too fast and I did not catch up, left behind in my blood and tears. Again screaming for you. But you’re so far away, I do not know if you even remember me.

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