My double X

As I sit here, trying to study my syllabus of cancer biology, I look at my wallpaper. It’s a picture of me, in my mom’s arms, with my dad holding my mom and I’m just 3 days old. It’s so blurry, this picture, but it’s my pixelated wallpaper and I love it dearly. As I live away from my mom, I realize how much I miss home. How much I miss, just lazying around, with nothing to do, while my mom cleans up my dump of clothes and keeps telling me every half hour to drink a glass of water. I’m 22 by the way. When she picks me up from the airport, she always plants this huge kiss on my cheeks, without ever bothering about how embarrassing it is for me in the public or how much of that coffee color lip shade she usually wears, is like a humongous blotch on my face and I spend atleast 20 minutes trying to remove it. This happens every time! My mom is also the cutest mom you’ll ever meet. She’ll keep shouting at me and my brother for half hour and then when she’s done, she’ll come sit next to us and make these weird gurgling noises and we get our chance to make fun of her. Then she will make a cute puppy face and we all go “aww”!!
Now those were some things I love about my mom. I keep thinking of the time, when I have a daughter and I’m already very sure she’ll be the most spoilt kid on the planet. That’s because I want to do everything I couldn’t do with my mom. Or just invite my mom along for the adventures and go shooting tequila or something. I want my daughter to keep her hair long, I never listen to my mom when she keeps telling me to grow my hair. I want daughter dearest to have an immense amount of patience with me because I don’t have that with my mom. We’re always arguing about something which is usually ways to cook. I want her, my daughter, to let me play with her and make all these beautiful hairdos on her long tresses. That is how I would love to spend my Sundays. I want to have that comfort with my daughter that, if, ever she needs me to pick her up and her drunk friends from halfway across the country, I would do that. I would leave everything behind for her when she needs me to grab her a tampon in school. I would keep a trampoline in my garden, for her to jump so high that she realizes, gravity is all but a formula coming in her way. I will be around her, with a bottle of vodka during that one time when, in her adult life, she will have her heart broken and it will be serious. I would never want her to think that I’m her mother but instead think of me as her agony aunt and well of course, I would love it if she’s my sous chef.
I know there will be days when I will be a mother and a strict one at that. That day will be the day she brings home her high school boyfriend and he will be a douchebag. There will be a day when she has her first drink without telling me and I will have to spend the whole night holding her hair while she pukes all over my tidy bathroom. And there will be those unforgettable days when she acts like a complete teenager. Those days I will just grit my teeth and serve her a sorry bowl of oats for breakfast and no pancakes.
She will be my daughter, my daughter to love, adore and cuddle. My daughter who will get together with my mom and make fun of me. My daughter who will be mine to hold during those stormy times. A daughter who will take me from point A to B and make that journey beautiful. My daughter who will stay inside me for 9 months, keep pulsing happiness from her tiny heart when I need to feel her. Even if I have no one to talk to, look up to, I will make her be my pillar of strength. I know we are born alone and we all die alone, but it’s the time in between that makes our life happy and we get our happiness. Daughters bring us that joy, they help us choose our wardrobes and get embarrassed when we leave the house in our bad clothes. I feel the same with my mom and I am glad I have her. Also, I’m not a feminist. I just love being a daughter and the idea of having one.


1 Comment

  1. It’s 2012 coming to an end and you’re consuming yourself with thoughts of Alhena. She gives you strength, and always a push to keep holding on, because you’ve to be there when she realises she can have dreams of her own too. And then, you’d help her protect them and move towards them.
    I see your daughter in you, and I know she’s just SO beautiful.

    Liked by 1 person

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